We have been blindsided by the stories and images coming out of Haiti, after the devastating earthquake. A frequent question from parents, now and at past similar events, is how to support children to move from worry and fear, to compassion and care for others. This is a challenging parenting task, dealing with our own fears and grief while reflecting confidence to our children about faith, safety and humanity. You’d think we’d be good at this–for certainly no parent, throughout time, has been able to make it through the parenting years without a catastrophe in the family, town or world. And yet, this part of parenting doesn’t always come naturally.
Prepare and insulate. Commit to caring for children (and even teens) enough to set aside your hunger for news, to turn the TV, radio and screen media off. The motivation for network television is ratings, not conveying news in such a way that is appropriate for children. Even if you think your children are not paying attention, the tone of the news reporter’s voice and the emotional soundtrack, will draw children in. The images and shocking stories will make your conversations nearly impossible to move children from fear to empowered caring. This may mean avoiding waiting rooms with television or having a conversation with unaware grandparents, and it will take purpose and intention.
Don’t sugar coat. We all know sugar is bad for children–even when it’s used to cover up bad news. Present your child with the information they NEED to know in an age appropriate way. Preschool children have very few tools to deal with news like the ground shaking, and buildings falling on people. They do not have the skills of abstraction to know it is not imminent to them. Focus on tangible ways they can help–they can understand you saying, “I heard about some people that need shoes. Could we look in your closet to see if there is an extra pair of shoes to share?” Elementary children are likely to have heard about such a catastrophe from sources other than you. The facts could be tainted-but in the case of Haiti, the facts are scary enough. Even though they have the capacity to reason it happened far away, in a fault area, with bad building codes, their worry and emotions can easily get the best of them. Help them know that they are safe, but more importantly, let them know they are loved. Assure them that sometimes, even in our own lives, sad things happen, but you will always seek to protect them, be on their side and love them, no matter what. You are the closest thing to a Good Shepherd they will physically know. Teens seem so tough, but they may be the most vulnerable to such events because they may be more bombarded by sensational media and social networks. Their immense concern, can give way to despair and hopelessness if they feel like their help is just a drop in the ocean. Confront this directly by saying (and modeling) that they need to limit absorbing and worrying about the events, and try to find ways to help. Teens need to know the justice that comes from empowerment to affect change, instead of feeling hopeless and helpless at a seemingly overwhelming situation.
I hear Rachel crying for her children. Listen. Give way to your own sadness and grief, in ways that convey to your children empathy, but doesn’t scare them. Pull out the candles and dust off the prayers! And cry deeply in the shower. It is impossible to not see the images and hear the stories, without our own hearts breaking. Empathy is a wonderful human emotion. When we mark the sadness in tangible and hopeful ways we provide tools for our children to recognize the presence of the divine in others and themselves. Seek out ways, either in families or faith communities, for spiritual direction, such as storytelling, wondering and singing in community. Children at St. Martin’s are hearing in their Godly Play Sunday School the parables of the Good Shepherd, Good Samaritan, Great Pearl and Mustard Seed soon. These stories guide children to wonder about being cared for in a scary place or time, an inclusive kingdom, value, worth and a global neighborhood.
Don’t drag the wrath of God into this! Avoid language that would convey that God caused such suffering or is in some way punishing someone. Bad things happen, and have been happening for all of history. If we have faith in a merciful, loving God, we know that God is crying, too, when any children of the Earth are hurting. This is surely the most paramount teachable moment that comes from a disaster. When children know that God doesn’t take sides or toss lightening bolts at the wicked, they are empowered to love each other as God loves them. If that happens one by one, there WILL be peace on earth, even amid earthquakes, tornadoes and floods.
Share with each other. Children and youth model what they see in their family. Use tragedies such as this to become a family that donates time, energy and resources to others with no other motivation than to help your global neighbor.